Monday, November 29, 2004

The Stress Is High

What a nightmare today has been. We found out that somebody has gotten a hold of our account information and has been emptying out our bank account. I won't even tell you how much they've stolen. The bank is taking care of it now, and hopefully we will get all of our money back. It is really beyond me how people can live with themselves sometimes. This sucks big time...can't I just have one stress-free day of work?

Do I Look Like A Damned Chauffeur?

There comes a time when one gets tired of keeping mum about things that irritate the shit outta them. Although I feel that I am fairly easy-going, and can get along with most anyone, Kai's mother has certainly been a task. Although our relationship has always been "civil," let me tell you that it hasn't been easy. She's the kind of person who feels that she is owed everything, and then when people give her what she wants to make her shut up, she complains about it too. Constantly for the past (?) years, I've tried to contain myself, for the sake of Kai. Lately, I've felt like a pressure cooker, ready to explode. Today, I'd finally had enough, and put my foot down. Something as simple as dropping Kai off is an ordeal. For 5 years now, Kevin and I have picked Kai up from her house to get him for the weekend (fighting with Ashley Phosphate traffic), and dropped him off back home afterwards. Not once has she offered to bring him to us or to pick him up. Since we have moved out to Moncks Corner, and his mother further out in Summerville, Goose Creek has been our midway drop off point. However, she feels this is now "not fair." Her comments of, "Well, I will meet you in Goose Creek this time but I can't always be so accomodating..." have been bugging the piss out of me. Today, I'd had enough.

(my phone rings)...
Her: "I was just wanting to set a time to pick Kai up."
Me: "OK, what time do you want to meet?"
Her: "Well, you can drop him off at Ashley Phosphate at X:00, or my house in Summerville at X:30."
(note that Moncks Corner, at least 30-45 minutes away. Also, her house is less than 10 minutes away from Ashley Phosphate. How convenient for her!)
Me: "Uhhhh, no. How about neither one?! We can meet halfway at the Dojo, like always."
Her: "Well, I've really been going out of my way by meeting you places all those times."
Me: "Meeting us where is out of your way?"
Her: "Goose Creek."
Me: "How is meeting us halfway going out of your way?! You realize we live in Moncks Corner, and Goose Creek is halfway between you and me. I already pick Kai up from school 45 minutes away. The least you could do is meet me halfway to pick him up."
(long silence)
Her: "Tell Kevin to call me when he wakes up from his nap."
Me: "No. I'm not waking him, and I don't know when he'll be up. I'm here now, so tell me what time I'm meeting you at the dojo."
Her: "Well, fine. You can have your pick this time, but I can't always go out of my way there."
Me: "Look, we're not driving to Summerville from our house. We're not driving to Ashley Phosphate. We are meeting in Goose Creek where it is an even distance for us both, and that's the way it's gonna be. Period. So, tell me what time, already."
Her: "7:45."
Me: "Good, thanks."

I know this is not the end of it, but I'm tired of Kevin and I being taken advantage of. I really hate to be ugly, and I know this will cause further strain on our "relationship," but I will only put up with so much BS.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

I Waaant Cannoli!!

Ahhhh, the long awaited busiest shopping day of the year: Black Friday. My family and I loaded up the van and set out for some heavy duty shopping at Georgia's outlet malls.

I had every intention to revamp my shoe collection with the Saks and Neiman Marcus outlet stores, but luckily I ran out of time. Instead, I got a little more Christmas shopping out of the way-probably a wiser choice of spending, anyhow. Following shopping was a power-up energizing meal of calamari and my long-awaited cannoli from Sophia's, by Ricky and Donna's house.

Rachel arrived from Orlando late tonight. I feel sort of bad for her, because we're all really sort of too exhausted now to socialize. And in the morning, I will be leaving back home to Charleston. Erick and El will be leaving tomorrow evening. It's really too bad that because of work, she's missed out on majority of our Thanksgiving get-together. Once again, I guess that working for yourself can certainly have its perks. Regardless, I'm thankful that our family has had a chance to all be together and catch up.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Thanksgiving Day

We didn't arrive in Georgia until about 2:30 this morning. I felt a little bad, as everyone was up, waiting on us. We chatted briefly, and everyone bid their goodnights.

This morning, the house was busy with everyone preparing to join for our lunch. Donna really did a fantastic job! After lunch, one by one, the tryptophan had us all out for the count! Poor Donna has been exhausted all day...

It's really nice having everyone together to enjoy the holidays together...

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

We Drove All Night

Kevin, Kai, and I are on our way out to Atlanta for the weekend. Ricky and Donna will be hosting their very first Thanksgiving at their new house in Atlanta. This should be fun!! After we get finished with our karate classes tonight, we will be heading out. Mom and Dad are riding with us...

They are calling for lots of rain; I hope that it won't be too bad on us.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Maybe We Are Getting Old

My dad had a regular check-up recently and found something that alarmed us. I've been worrying and have been feeling quite stressed the past couple of days...

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Finding My Religion

Since I gave up on Catholicism about 5 years ago, I haven't been back to church. It's not that I don't believe in God, because I do. I'm just not too thrilled with the Catholic Church these days. I have a lot of questions that remain unanswered, and am doubting the Catholic faith will help me find my answers.

I've been wanting to find a church where I could find myself spiritually, and finally 5 years later, have quit talking about it and have finally done something about it. I visited a non-denominational Christian Church today, Northwoods Assembly.

Although Northwoods is a little different (no kneelers?!) from what I'm used to, I liked the idea that it is non-denominational. I could never understand why if we all believed in God, we should be labeled as different things. Everyone was very warm and friendly, and I left the sermon feeling good. I think I may very well give it another visit.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Feeling Down

I've been feeling pretty yucky lately. I haven't been feeling motivated to do anything. It seems that I go on these rollercoaster rides; high-spirited and happy one day, then can hardly motivate myself to get out of bed the next day. My diet isn't doing too hot, and it's even difficult to motivate myself to get off my butt and exercise. What's wrong with me?!? I think I'm really missing the sky...maybe I should try to make it out to my dropzone this weekend, just to be around my friends jumping. I don't know if I can take waiting til the Spring to get back to flying high again... :(

I am, however, looking forward to visiting my brother in Atlanta next week for Thanksgiving. Holding my breath for the weekend...

Sunday, November 14, 2004

I'm Here--That's What Matters

In the river behind our house at sunset

I feel like I don't know what to do with myself anymore on the weekends. I spent my Sunday cleaning the house, and then went with Kevin to scout some ducks in the boat.

Duck season will be opening up soon, and he is trying to see in advance where their local hangout is. I went for the ride. Of course, I didn't get to do much nature watching, because I had my head in my sweater the entire time. My ears felt like they were going to break off in the icy wind! It was cold as hell!!

Saturday, November 13, 2004

The Grass Is Always Greener...?

Beautiful Historic Charleston! Posted by Hello

Met Rachel, a friend of mine, downtown for lunch yesterday. She works on King St. across from my old place of employment, Montblanc. I really enjoyed working down there, where all the good shopping and fantastic food is. It was kind of nice to work for someone, have a schedule, get dressed up for work, and be amongst the hustle and bustle of others working in the city. I felt very independent. But now, here I am 6 years later having a casual lunch date in historic sort of made me wish I still worked there. After lunch, we had to rush back to her office so she wouldn't get in trouble for clocking in after too long of a break. And then after our good-byes, I spent the remainder of my afternoon in beautiful historic Charleston shopping away my cares at my leisure.

I guess working for yourself isn't too bad. Not bad at all...

Thursday, November 11, 2004

(Love)Sick Again

I've been feeling under the weather here for the last few days. I haven't been able to sleep very well due to stuffy nose, fever, and skydiving on the brain. I woke this morning feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. Damn, I've got the darned flu again. I just got over being sick a couple of weeks ago!

After much thought, I realize now that I will continue my jump training. The weather is getting cooler, and Christmas is around the corner. I may very well put my training on hold until March or April. Although I feel a little sad about being away from the sky for so long, I feel hopeful still on graduating. I just don't want to quit on something I love so much. I talked to my brother the other day about my "depression" from my jump the other day, and his reply was, "It's just skydiving!" JUST skydiving?!? This sport has completely consumed me since I began training. Even since my first jump 5 years ago, it would cross my mind time and time again. Call me obsessive, but I eat, sleep, and breathe it.

For the first time, I have found something that I have whole-heartedly wanted to do. The privelege of touching clouds and and soaring with birds flying beneath me! Wow...The nervousness, the fear, the rush, the accomplishment!Even watching videos make my heart pound with excitement!

So, in the Spring when the weather is warmer, and I can commit myself a little better financially, I promise to myself I'll return. I promise to myself that I will make the commitment to jump more frequently and conquer my fear. But for now, I will continue to cheer on my buddies at the dropzone, gaze longingly into the sky, and dream...

(I might sneak in a jump sometime between then, though...just so it won't seem like too long)

Until the Spring!!

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Still Want To Fly

I found a skydiving forum today with some interesting stuff. There were a couple of threads about fear and stories of other jumpers' experiences with them. I know that it's strange, but it is not uncommon for the fears to pop up after the first handful of jumps. You wouldn't believe how many people admitted to their fears petrifying them.

The bottom line is: I'm normal. I think that part of my problem is that I'm not jumping often enough. Most of the people who said they were jumping about every month were having the biggest problems with the fear. This was also a common statement at the dropzone. Sunday I wasn't sure if I would ever return (again), but something in me keeps telling me to try again. I suppose this is just another setback to overcome.

I am still going to take a little bit more time to think things through, but I am considering at least going to the DZ to be around the atmosphere. I really love it there, and perhaps all of those positive thoughts will take over my one fear. I don't want to give up just yet.

Note to self: Review old journal entry...

Monday, November 08, 2004

Slowly Plucking My Wings

Quite possibly one of the worst days in my life. I set out to Walterboro this morning. I was hoping to get my last two levels done today and graduate from AFF. Just as planned, Bill and I went over my ground training and what my tasks were to pass level VI. Let's see...a new door dive exit, backflips, and fast tracking. Got it. I was dressed in no time and geared up, ready to go.

At 11,500 feet, everyone jumped one by one until finally it was my turn. I squatted in the doorway...ready, set...looked down...HELL NO. Yeah, believe it. I was absolutely petrified. I tried to psych myself up, along with encouragement from Bill, but it was a no go. I just couldn't manage to pull myself together.

I'm not quite sure what happened up there, but perhaps have a few theories. Am I still into this? Am I pushing myself too hard for the accomplishment, and have forgotten the love and fun? Was I simply freaked out by staring at the ground almost 12,000 feet in the air, as opposed to diving backwards from the step? Premonition? I don't know.

I think I need time to think things through, and re-evaluate what has been going on mentally with myself the last few jumps. I'm just so confused. Whatever it is, all I know is I've finally hit a wall and can only sadly watch another dream slowly slip from my grasp. Way to go. I have truly let myself down in a big way.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

It's a Love/Loathe Relationship

I really need to jump this weekend. I can't have my jumps lapse more than 30 days or I will have to repeat my last level to keep me current. I don't know what it is, but my fears have been getting worse, as I near graduation. Every time I think about jumping, my palms sweat and my heart races. So strange to think that the very thing I love, I also fear at the same time. I don't know what's been going on. As much as I loathe the thought of climbing out on that step 11,500 feet in the air, I can't help but continue to push myself to finish. I know that this is what I want to do, but there are days when I feel I absolutely just can't do it. At the same time, I just can't seem to quit. I've gone from zero fear, to complete nausea.

Some days I get on the plane babbling and laughing carelessly, and the next day I'm petrified with fear. I hear that this is all normal, but I really hate those fearful days. But once I get through my skydive, and I am landing my canopy, I feel such a sense of accomplishment. Perhaps this sense of my accomplishment is my addiction, and not the adrenaline. I'm not really sure. Whatever it is, I am scheduling my jump on Saturday, and am continuing on to complete my last two levels. If I don't, I just know that this will be one thing I will forever regret not doing.

I just downloaded this song by Avril Lavigne. Listening to this reminds me to just enjoy life and do what I love to do, all fears pushed aside. Sounds like me, and would be perfect for my next skydive video...

Freak Out

Try to tell me what i shouldn't do
You should know by now
I won't listen to you
Walk around with my hands
Up in the air
'Cause I don't care

'Cause I'm all right
I'm fine
Just freak out let it go

I'm gonna live my life
I can't ever run and hide
I won't compromise
'Cause I'll never know
I'm gonna close my eyes
I can't watch the time go by
I won't keep it inside
Freak out let it go

Just freak out let it go

You don't always have to do everything right
Stand up for yourself
And put up a fight
Walk around with your hands up in the air
Like you don't care

'Cause I'm all right
I'm fine
Just freak out let it go


Let it go
On my own
Let it go

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah


Just let me live my life
I can't ever run and hide
I won't compromise
'Cause i'll never know
I'm gonna close my eyes
I can't watch the time go by
I won't keep it inside
Freak out let it go

Freaky Stuff!

Kevin and I went to see "The Grudge" on Halloween. It was a pretty good movie (except for the ending). However, what really caught my eye was one of the previews, "White Noise."

White Noise is about EVP, or Electronic Voice Phenomenom. Voices from spirits can be caught on tape using white noise and certain frequencies, then heard during playback. Curious, I did a search on it, and found some creepy sites.

I found a discussion forum with pictures of caught images, and also some clips of voices.

Wow, it kinda freaks me out, but I can't help but to be curious...

Monday, November 01, 2004

Depressing Moment

Me: "Do I look fat?"
Him: "No. You look beautiful, you're perfect."
Me: "Can you tell that I've gained weight?"
Him: "No, you look the same."
Me: "Honestly?"
Him" "Yup!"
Me: (putting on jeans, struggling to get them over butt)
"Oh my God! My jeans won't go over my ass! I am fat!"
Him: "They just shrunk, that's all..."
Me: (tears welling up) "You lie, you just want me to feel better..."
Him: (watching t.v. pretending to not hear)

I've checked back into L.A. Weight Loss today.