Slowly Plucking My Wings

Quite possibly one of the worst days in my life. I set out to Walterboro this morning. I was hoping to get my last two levels done today and graduate from AFF. Just as planned, Bill and I went over my ground training and what my tasks were to pass level VI. Let's see...a new door dive exit, backflips, and fast tracking. Got it. I was dressed in no time and geared up, ready to go.

At 11,500 feet, everyone jumped one by one until finally it was my turn. I squatted in the doorway...ready, set...looked down...HELL NO. Yeah, believe it. I was absolutely petrified. I tried to psych myself up, along with encouragement from Bill, but it was a no go. I just couldn't manage to pull myself together.

I'm not quite sure what happened up there, but perhaps have a few theories. Am I still into this? Am I pushing myself too hard for the accomplishment, and have forgotten the love and fun? Was I simply freaked out by staring at the ground almost 12,000 feet in the air, as opposed to diving backwards from the step? Premonition? I don't know.

I think I need time to think things through, and re-evaluate what has been going on mentally with myself the last few jumps. I'm just so confused. Whatever it is, all I know is I've finally hit a wall and can only sadly watch another dream slowly slip from my grasp. Way to go. I have truly let myself down in a big way.