It's a Love/Loathe Relationship

I really need to jump this weekend. I can't have my jumps lapse more than 30 days or I will have to repeat my last level to keep me current. I don't know what it is, but my fears have been getting worse, as I near graduation. Every time I think about jumping, my palms sweat and my heart races. So strange to think that the very thing I love, I also fear at the same time. I don't know what's been going on. As much as I loathe the thought of climbing out on that step 11,500 feet in the air, I can't help but continue to push myself to finish. I know that this is what I want to do, but there are days when I feel I absolutely just can't do it. At the same time, I just can't seem to quit. I've gone from zero fear, to complete nausea.

Some days I get on the plane babbling and laughing carelessly, and the next day I'm petrified with fear. I hear that this is all normal, but I really hate those fearful days. But once I get through my skydive, and I am landing my canopy, I feel such a sense of accomplishment. Perhaps this sense of my accomplishment is my addiction, and not the adrenaline. I'm not really sure. Whatever it is, I am scheduling my jump on Saturday, and am continuing on to complete my last two levels. If I don't, I just know that this will be one thing I will forever regret not doing.

I just downloaded this song by Avril Lavigne. Listening to this reminds me to just enjoy life and do what I love to do, all fears pushed aside. Sounds like me, and would be perfect for my next skydive video...


Freak Out

Try to tell me what i shouldn't do
You should know by now
I won't listen to you
Walk around with my hands
Up in the air
'Cause I don't care

'Cause I'm all right
I'm fine
Just freak out let it go

Chorus
I'm gonna live my life
I can't ever run and hide
I won't compromise
'Cause I'll never know
I'm gonna close my eyes
I can't watch the time go by
I won't keep it inside
Freak out let it go

Just freak out let it go

You don't always have to do everything right
Stand up for yourself
And put up a fight
Walk around with your hands up in the air
Like you don't care

'Cause I'm all right
I'm fine
Just freak out let it go

Chorus

Let it go
On my own
Let it go

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Chorus

Just let me live my life
I can't ever run and hide
I won't compromise
'Cause i'll never know
I'm gonna close my eyes
I can't watch the time go by
I won't keep it inside
Freak out let it go