The Rollercoaster Ride of Mommyhood

The Rollercoaster Ride of Mommyhood
Originally uploaded by xosunnydaysxo.

I see it's been awhile since I've posted. I wonder if I should retitle this blog entry as "Gripe and Moan?"

Gabriel is going to be 6 weeks old this Thursday. I can't believe how quickly the days fly by and how he's growing. I thought that by now I might have a grip on what I was doing, but to be honest, every day I am confused about which direction to turn.

Right now, my thing with him is his sleeping. It seems that he's having trouble with his naps. I can tell that he's tired, and if I don't get him to nap quickly enough, he becomes extremely fussy and cranky! At least I've learned and figured out what has been making him into the "Cranky Pants" that I know. Really to be honest (if I'm understanding him correctly), as often that he wants to sleep, there really isn't much time for socialization. It's just the same mundane routine of eat, change diaper, sleep...eat, change diaper, sleep...repeat...If I'm lucky enough (or not), this routine will be substituted for eat, change diaper, scream and cry, nap not so well and wake every 15-30 minutes to scream some more until next feeding. I suppose he will outgrow this routine fairly soon, but sometimes I find myself wishing that I could get some sort of gratitude for my lack of sleep and forgetting about my own needs.

Night times have been okay, I suppose. He wakes about twice a night, and usually sleeps easily. I find myself almost afraid at night, for fear that he may act as he does in the daytime, and lose my precious few hours of sleep at here as well. I find myself praying silently, "Please go right back to sleep, and let me not see you for at least 2 or more hours. Please..." Usually, I am lucky enough in that department. However, come 5:30 a.m. or so, he wakes crying and ready to start his daytime routine of fussiness.

Is that his wake up time to start the day? Do I let him cry and see if he goes back to sleep (by the way, the doesn't work--I already tried). Is he hungry (tried that one too...he's not, because he'd just eaten an hour and a half ago). So, I've chalked it up to that's his wake up time. Of course, I've cheated the last couple of mornings and laid him on my chest, only to lull him back to sleep so I can get just an hour more myself. Hey, interrupted sleep from 11:30-5:30 a.m. is pretty hard! Not to mention, Silence has now developed an incontinent tummy that makes me jump up about 4 a.m. to let her out quickly or pick up whatever surprise she's left for me.

So, I started to wonder today. Why do people have children? What is the big hoorah over it? Some days, I really really wonder. After all, they scream at you all day for whatever reason is beyond me sometimes. It's almost impossible to make it anywhere on time, and they take lots of planning to go anywhere. They make you sleep deprived to the point of where you beg them to allow you just one more hour of sleep then find yourself tearfully collapsing back into bed finally. Long and luxurious showers now must be planned and rushed. Let's not mention how they completely destroy your body (that's another topic I can go on and on about...but another day). So, why do we do it? What's the big deal?

I wonder that, especially on the days where I am at the point of almost throwing myself off a cliff. And when I do, I search my son's face for an answer. I study his eyes, and his nose that looks like his mama's. I notice how he has his daddy's lips, and how he smiles in his sleep and sometimes lets out a little laugh. It's then that I realize he is dependent on me and perhaps can not offer me a whole lot right now. The one thing that he has given me, though, is something I've never dreamt of feeling before. He's left me more exhausted and confused and frustrated than I've ever felt before. But on top of that, while I study his little face, I find that he leaves me with a heart so completely full of love, and it's at this moment that I know I can take a deep breath and find the strength to do it all over again and survive yet another day...